Oh be careful little mouth what you say.....

 

For those of us that have seen Bambi... (You might  be asking yourself, "Who HASN'T seen Bambi?" But the answer would be, MY MR!!!!!?)

 

It seems like such an elementary thing, doesn't it?  Something that our Mom's taught us when we were just wee little tykes....  But somehow, as we age, we for some reason think that we have the right to say whatever we want, to whoever we want, because it's MY OPINION, and It's MY RIGHT to express it. 

 

Sure, as Americans, we have the right, to freedom of speech, we have the right to express our own opinions and to think for ourselves.

 

But, why do we have to be so mean?  What gives us the right to be cruel?  Why is it ok to use our words to cut down another person?  

 

Why is gossip so fun?  Why does cutting other people down bring us so much joy?  Why do we feel that it's necessary to be so ugly to each other?  The truth hurts, so deal with it, right?  

 

I KNOW personally, just how deep words can cut.  I know how hard it is to deal with someone that is just down right ugly, for no reason.  I understand the pain of  dealing someone that bashes you, and talks bad about you to other people, and gossips about you.  It really sucks.  

 

I'm at fault here too.  I am so, so, so, so, so guilty of the very same thing....  I have said thing to people in my life, I have used my words to be ugly, I have gossiped about people that I love, and I know that I have caused other people incredible pain with the words that have come out of my mouth.  And for what purpose?  Because I thought I had a right to say what I thought?  Because I made myself feel BIGGER by cutting down someone else?  Because it made me feel more Godly to show how great I was and how terrible someone else is?  Because I took joy in exploiting someone else's faults?  I have failed time & time again when it comes to this.  Thankfully, some people have given me grace & forgave me for the thoughtless things that come out of my mouth.  Sure, there are people that haven't, but let's face it, I can't demand their forgiveness.  And you know what, maybe the person that I spoke so ill of never found out, PHEW, I'm safe, right?  But, think about it.  If one of your friends comes to you and shares something horrible with you about another person that you don't really know, your opinion and perspective of that person is now tainted by something that might not even be true! 

 

So now, I'm dealing with two separate issues.  Reel it back on in Hillary....

 

Let's Delve Into my first issue...

 

GOSSIP.

 

You know those people that you whisper & gossip with, who share ugly things about other people to you, who talk negatively about others?   For some reason you trust them right?  Somehow it makes you feel good that they are sharing with you, doesn't it?  We LIKE to hear the gossip, we LIKE to hear the drama.  Let me ask you this.... If they are talking about other's to you, what makes you think that they aren't doing the exact same thing to you with someone else?  You think you can trust them without own secrets, with the things you struggle with, with your low point in life?  I bet that other person thought that they could trust them too!  

 

What about if you are having a "tiff" with someone else, how do you deal with it?  Do you run and talk to several different people getting their input and advice, or get their confirmation that you are in the right, trying to get them to be on your side?  Is it really any of their business?  Would you want the "other" person going around doing the same thing, or would it make you mad?  I know that it makes me BEYOND aggravated when I know that someone is spreading "their side" of the story to other people.  What you say to "your" people about other people is forever going to taint their opinion of said person", even if your opinion changes!!! 

 

People have such a hard time of forgetting the negative things in life.  Let's say that you go to a restaurant 10 times.  The first 9 times you had a great experience.  The food was excellent, the service was impeccable, everything was perfect.  The 10th time that you go, your appetizer's come out before your server brings you your drinks, and they are cold.   Then your server drops off your Salads 2 minutes after you get your appetizers.  Your drinks stay empty, the dishes stack up on the table, the baker is behind and you never get any of the renowned bread that you have been craving your MONTHS, your entrees come out and the server got your order wrong...you had a HORRIBLE experience! Which experience are you most likely to tell your friends about?  Statistics show that you are 10 times more likely to share the ONE negative experience over the NINE positive ones!  (I worked in the restaurant business for a LONG TIME, they bashed that statistic into our brains!) The negative experiences are the ones that get heard the loudest and remembered the longest.  And that's with something as petty as food!  Do you ever think about how much more you are negatively affecting someone's character & name when you speak ill of them to others?  You might personally see the 9 good & positive things about the person, but when you represent them in the negative light of your argument, people are only going to remember that person in that negative light!

 

I challenge you with this...  Before you open your mouth to say something about someone else...

 

Is it true?

Is it helpful?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

Is it encouraging?

Is it gracious?

Is it merciful?

Does it improve the silence?

 

If it is lacking in any ONE of those areas, then bite your tongue, swallow your words, and keep it to yourself..

 

Oh be careful little mouths what we SAY.  But Oh be careful little ears what we hear!  Do you have a negative perspective of someone because of what you have heard from others?  Have you ever actually given that person a chance, or just based your opinion of them off of the gossip of others?  I've personally been guilty of just that.  My opinion of someone was horrible based off what other people said and felt.  Thankfully, my husband called me out on it!  When I finally realized it, I was able to step back, and gave the person a chance, and guess what....I ended up really liking them!  I just had to give them a fair chance, wipe the slate clean of my perception based on someone else's opinion and allow myself to form my own opinion.  Then and only then was I able to see the situation for what it really was, and my heart broke because I knew that this person's character was completely slung through the mud based off of gossip and partial truths, from a few different people's opinions & hurt feelings.  Shame on me.        

 

Not Gossip

 

I didn't know what to call it when you are just plain mean to someone directly.  When we just say mean things, and cut people down directly to their face.  

 

Sticks and Stones may break your bones but words will never hurt me?  LIES.  It's all Lies.

 

Words hurt.  Words cut deep.  They scar us and sometimes they break us down and leave us handicapped.   

 

I hate the phrase, the truth hurts, but you needed to hear it!  

 

I challenge you with this...

 

Is it true?

Is it helpful?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

Is it encouraging?

Is it gracious?

Is it merciful?

Does it improve the silence?

 

If it is not ALL of those things, then I challenge you to bite your tongue, swallow those words, and be quiet.

 

{I do believe that there IS a time for rebuke.  There is a time when you should pull someone aside and confront them.  But you had better make sure that you have built the relationship, established the trust, and have earned the right to confront the person.  But that's another thought for another day.}

 

I will admit that I am an extremely insecure person.  It's something that I constantly battle and struggle with.  I crave verbal affirmation, and I wilt under negativity.  When someone is mean & ugly to me I fall apart.  It affects me more deeply that it should.  

 

But why oh why must we be so ugly to other people?  Why the negativity?  Why the meanness?

 

A blogger that I have followed for over a year just quit blogging because other bloggers were getting so ugly, for no reason!  This young lady is one of the sweetest bloggers that I know!  Now, you might say that if she couldn't handle negativity then she shouldn't be blogging.  But I dare say that if you didn't like what she had to say, if you felt the need to send her harassing e-mails and rude comments attacking her family, her husband, her newborn daughter, her life, then maybe you shouldn't be following her blog!  If she caused you that much stress that you had to lash out in anger and hostility, then why read her blog?  My initial thought is that when you make yourself transparent, and put yourself out there in the blogging community, you can expect some kind of negative comments here and there, it's to be expected.  But why is that?  If you don't like what someone has to say, then don't read it.  There is NO reason so get so ugly, to be so mean, to lash out in such anger!  There is a right way to express a difference of opinion without being cruel.  

 

There are people that I have had to stop following, whether it be on Facebook, Blogging, Twitter, or whatever form of social media because what they stood for or what they had to say just made me mad on a consistent basis!  I didn't create a fuss about it, and they don't even know that I quit following them!  Instead of struggling with negative thoughts, or gossiping about it, or letting myself get upset about it, I just hide their feed (I don't really believe in "unfriending people"), or quietly stopped following their blog.        

 

Some people just LOVE to stir the pot, create strife and heartache.  They love the drama.  They build themselves up by tearing other people down.  They get pleasure over ridiculing people and being negative.  They think it's their right and their duty, and they don't see anything wrong with it.  And sometimes, I don't even think that they know that they do it.  There are some people that I know that every time I am around them they are negative about something.  It doesn't really make me want to be around them. But it also makes me take a step back and reevaluate my own words.  There are some people that I feel the need to prove myself to, and somehow that translates into me being negative about other people in order to make myself look better.  In all reality, it just makes me look like a jerk!

 

I tend to shut down when people start to get ugly with me.  I don't want to get ugly back with them, and I really don't like conflict, so normally, I just shut down.  But there are times when I know that my words come across sharper than I intend them to, or when I am not showing love and grace and my words cut and hurt others.  I know that I fail at this over and over again.  

 

But today I challenge myself.  Today I challenge you.  Let us together learn to be people that are the kind of people that are known for being positive, for being kind, for being loving, for never speaking ill of someone else.  Let us go back to our younger training of, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all".  

 

I'm not asking you to be friends with everyone, or to like everyone.  If there is someone in your life that brings out the negativity in you, or that you struggle being kind to, then I would challenge you to dig deep and find out what the root of the problem is.  Is there something that you need to work out with them?  Is there an unresolved issue that is continually festering?  Then deal with it.  Lovingly talk (not attack) to them about it.  We are always going to have to deal with people that rub use the wrong way or just seriously grind our gears.  But that does not mean that we have to allow them to control us to the point that they cause us to be angry and hateful!  Sometimes it is best to remove yourself from the situation so that you don't have to deal with them, if possible.  But the times that removing them from our lives isn't possible, but let's be grown ups about it and learn to live peaceable and civilly with people instead of being cruel and hateful.  We are going to always have people in our lives that are a thorn in our side, that bring out the hateful side in us, and that are constantly trying to make your life miserable.  Don't fight fire with fire.  Choose to love them.  Choose to show them grace.  Choose to be kind.     And most importantly....

 

 

 

And to the bloggers out there who choose to hide anonymously behind their computer screens, and tarnish blogland with your hatred and negativity, your typed words through a screen are still words, and they still cut deep and still break people.  You know who you are, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.  So before you speak through your little fingers dancing along the keys, the same should apply to you.  And if you don't like what someone has to say, while you do have the right to have your own opinion, there is a right way and a wrong way to express yourself.  And being mean, hateful and ugly is NOT it.  Once your words get out in cyberspace you can't take them back by just deleting them.  You have the potential to touch the lives of countless people, for better or for worse.  So choose your words carefully.  Oh be careful little fingers what you type!

 

 

xoxo,

Why we decided to wait.....

This poat has been a long time coming.  I was too nervous before writing it because I didn't want to offend anyone, and I didn't want people to feel like I was defending my position!)

 

I don't know about you,

But I think newborn babies are just the sweetest things ever.

There is nothing more heart melting than holding a precious, tiny, hours old baby.

They are soft,

They smell divine,

Your heart just literally melts.

I LOVE babies...

 





When my husband and I were dating/engaged we had the "child" talk.

When, How many, names, etc...

We decided to wait a few years before we started having children.

 

 

Don't get me wrong...

We both have a strong desire to have a baby.

We do not think that children are a burden.

We honestly believe that children are a blessing.

If we had gotten pregnant we would have been completely fine with it!

 

 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Mr. will make a GREAT dad,

whether it was 10 months after we got married,

or in another 2 years.

 

 

Holding this little guy gives us baby fever every time.

 

So you're probably thinking...

"So if babies aren't a burden, then why are you waiting.  You're contradicting yourself!"

 

And maybe I am.

Maybe we are being selfish.

But I wouldn't trade this past year with just "us" for anything.

 

 

 

The Mr. & I only dated for 4 months before we got engaged.

And by dated, I mean we had only known each other 4 months.

We met July 2nd,

went on our 1st date July 3rd.

I ignored him for the next 2 weeks,

I gave him another chance,

 We were engaged October 29th,

(but we started planning at the beginning of October),

And were married March 31st,

Almost 9 months to the DAY that we met.

 

We needed time to be just us.

We needed time to get to know each other.

When I think back even just a year ago to when we got married,

I realize how little we actually knew about each other.

Then when I think about when we got engaged

the word "CRAZY", & "INSANE" comes to mind.

I don't regret it.

The only thing we regret was not getting married sooner.

 

 

We were told in our marriage counseling that our plans and reasoning for waiting were selfish.

That if we were ready to get married,

ready to have sex,

then we were ready to have kids.

 

But the Mr. wasn't ready.

We weren't ready as a couple.

 

If we had gotten pregnant,

we would have been excited.

 

But that was not our plan.

We had just around $16,000 of debt to pay off.,

we had ZERO savings,

and we were living in my in-laws 900 sq ft house,

which was SUCH a blessing,

and it was perfect for 2 of us,

(but sometimes way to small!),

but would not have fit 3 of us!

And we weren't in a position to buy a house.

 

I truly believe in the sovereignty of God.

If God has blessed us with a child,

it would have been fine,

God would have provided us with everything we needed,

and we wouldn't have been able to imagine our lives without our baby.

 

We tried being on the pill,

but that only lasted a few months,

it was awful.

Going off the pill made me realize just how terrible the pill is for you.

I've been off it for 10 months and my cycle is just barely starting to return back to normal!

 

We then switched to the FAM method of birth control.

I would HIGHLY recommend this book.

 

 

I would recommend it whether you are trying or not trying to get pregnant,

or if you just wanted to learn more about your body.

It's really, really informative.

 

Believe me,

If God wanted us to have a baby,

we would have had one by now.

I'm fairly certain that there were several months when I didn't follow all the signs.

 

So what about now?

We have a house,

We are out of debt,

We have some savings...

 

Why are we still waiting?

 

I realize that there is never a good time to have a baby.

You will never be "ready".

And when you think you are ready

you find our that you really aren't.

 

 

 

Now we are mainly waiting for me to get healthy.

You might think I'm crazy.

I'm not "unhealthy",

I don't have some major illness that needs to  be cured.

But I am not at optimal health.

 

My sister had a heart attack when she had my niece.

She was a healthy 30 something woman,

and she had no health problems at all.

It's not really related to me,

the likelihood of it happening to me is very slim,

but it was scary enough that before I even put my body through pregnancy,

I want to be at the most optimal health I can be at.

And I'm here to tell you that I am not there yet.

I was getting there,

and then I completely fell of the band wagon.

My Dr. told me at my yearly that I needed to lose weight and get in shape before getting pregnant.

I have about 25 lbs to lose,

So basically I'm at the weight I should be at when I'm 10 months preggo.

 

We need to get in the habit of eating healthy.

We were doing that,

We were doing really good at it.

Now....not so much.

I don't want to get pregnant and THEN try and be healthy.

It won't happen.

Sonic is on may way to the bank people...

We are fairly certain that I have a thyroid problem (self diagnosed),

which causes me to have abnormally high cholesterol, among other things.

We had resolved most of the symptoms when I was experiencing,

but then it became not so important to me...

Stupid, I know!!!

So now, we are almost back to square 1 as far as that goes.

 

 

We have a few other issues that need to be resolved or have a solution for,

but that's another story for another day.

 

What's the point of this post?

I guess at the end of the day

I want to encourage you that it's your choice,

it's what is right for you and your family.

It's a decision that you and your spouse need to be making prayerfully before God.

Nobody needs to pressure you to have a baby.

It's really not anyone else's business!

 

My sister waited 5 years to have a baby,

they don't regret it,

in fact they encourage it,

And they are the  best parents that I know!

 

Another one of my friends from college got pregnant on their honeymoon,

they don't regret it,

and they encourage not waiting too!

 

 My Best friend waited 2 years,

And that was right for them!

 

I don't think any of them are wrong or selfish!

 

I'm not here to tell you to wait or not to wait.

I'm not here to defend our position in waiting.

I'm not one of those "feel good" people.

If it "feels right" then do it!

I think that thinking gets you into trouble and isn't biblical.

I think that there are very clear things in scripture that blow "feeling" good out of the water.

Sex Before Marriage,

 Drugs,

Getting Drunk,

Gluttony,

and the list goes on.

But I do believe that things like when to have a baby are a personal decision,

that isn't one that should be judged by other people.

That decision is between you, your husband, and God.

If you feel like God is leading you to have a baby,

then it would be wrong for you to actively try to prevent it!

 

Believe me.  If/when God chooses to bless you with a baby,

you're going to have a baby!

 

 

You know that time when you bought your first home....

I don't know about you,

but I always have these big dreams and ideas of how my life is going to go.

And then Life happens.

I either have to get mad and through a temper tantrum,

Or throw my arms up and go with the flow.

Usually I go with option A,

And it can get really ugly.

 

And then I starting house hunting.

If nothing else in life has shown me how little control I have,

House Hunting slapped me in the face with it.

HARD.

 

See, the Mr and I were dead set that we just HAD to have this house....

 

 

 

It was in the perfect location,

It had the acreage we wanted,

It only needed about $10,000+ in work done to it,

and the neighbors were that crazy...

It only had minor property line issues...

 

We put an offer in on it,

They Rejected.

We put another offer in on it,

They chose another offer.

We were really disappointed.

 

That offer fell through.

So we put another offer in on it,

They chose another offer.

*Insert Sovereignty of God ALLLL over that!*

 

So we went and look at some other houses.

There was the major fixer-upper,

kind of in the ghetto,

but was SUPER cheap.

I'm so thankful we didn't end up putting an offer in on it!!!

We were going to,

But it went to Auction before we could!

*Insert Sovereignty of God ALLLL over that!*

 

There was the HUGE crazy cat lady house,

Seriously.

There had to have been 20 cats in that house.

I loved it.

The Mr. hated it.

 

There was the quiet little country house.

It would have been perfect for now,

but 5 years down the road when Little N's arrive....

Not so much.

 

Then it happened.

We had been looking at house's over by where my Bestie's Dad lives,

and she text me saying that there was this really nice house for sale.

So me, being the google queen that I am,

instantly googled it,

Like it.

Text'd my amazing realtor,

Set up an appointment to go see it.

 

And then I found it.

 

 

It had literally just been posted AS I was scouring the listings.

We went to see it,

and put in an offer that night.

They countered,

We countered,

They accepted.

Everything has fallen into place perfectly.

This time next week you'll see me driving down the road with a trailer of boxes to unpack.

*Insert Sovereignty of God ALLLL over that!*

 

Thinking about Buying a house?

 

Here are some tips I learned!

 

1. Get a Good realtor. 

This is HUGE!  They will make your break your experience.

We found our realtor when we wanted to look at a house last fall.  I called the listing agent to go look at it.  He was bluntly honest with me and told me that the banks would never sell me that house because it needed SO much work.

But, me being the stubborn person I am still wanted to go see it.

And He let me.

And He was right.

And he told me to call him when we got ready to really start looking for a house.

Seriously this man is a great realtor.

He knows his stuff!

He knows all of the ins and outs,

He's as honest as honest can be.

He answered any and all questions I had,

whenever I needed answers.

I can not stress it enough,

Make sure your realtor is legit.

Ask how many houses they sell a year.

If they only sell about 10 a year,

you might want to look for another Realtor!

If you're looking at a short sale house,

make sure they know what they are doing!

If you realize you don't like your realtor,

FIRE THEM.

Get one that you like!

 And while we didn't have to worry about it,

When at all possible,

Don't have a dual agent!

You want someone who is going to be partial to you and only you!

If your realtor is selling the house you want to buy,

there is NO way they can have your best interests and the best interest of the seller at the same time.

It's just not a good idea,

You can't represent the best interests of both parties effectively!

 

2. Get your finances straight first.

This probably should have been number 1.

Have debt?

Get out of it.

Save up as much money as you can!

We were so blessed by being able to live rent free for our first year of marriage.

We got out of debt, lived frugally, and saved up our pennies.

We could have stayed were we were at for a while longer,

but we were beyond ready to have our own space in this world,

and interest rates are SO low right now that it seemed foolish to not look!

Buying a house costs several pennies up front.

You have your down payment.

You know you are going to want to paint.

We needed furniture!

You'll have inspections,

And there will be potential repairs you have to fix before the appraiser will sign off on it!

If you get a foreclosure like we did the bank isn't going to shell out a lot of money to fix it up!

 

3. How is your Credit?

Bad Credit? 

You might want to consider waiting and raising your credit score.

Bad Credit = higher interest rates.

High Interest Rates = More Pennies.

 

3. Know what your limit is & what you can really afford.

We had Zero debt.

We have NO kids.

We have GREAT credit.

We aren't rich by any stretch of the imagination.

We are just your typical middle class American.

And the bank approved us for almost DOUBLE what we were comfortable paying for!

Make yourself a budget up.

Know what you can afford for a mortgage.

Don't forget about Home Owners Insurance.

Don't forget about taxes.

Bigger house = more utilities!

You better have an emergency fund cushion for repairs!!!

Can you afford it on 1 income?

Just because the bank says you can doesn't mean you really can afford it!

 

4. Get a good banker.

This is right up there with getting a good realtor.
And you actually need to do this before you find a realtor.
We went with the bank that the Mr. has been with for years. 

We already had a relationship built.

I also used to work for that bank,

So I trusted them,

And I had already contacted or mortgage lender almost a year before we started looking to get tips on how to get all our ducks in a row before we started looking.

Our Lender has been just as instrumental as our realtor.

He was quick and very thorough in getting everything together for us.

He answered my e-mails, usually within 30 minutes of me hitting send.

He answered any questions I had,

and when I didn't understand he explained it again...and again until I understood them.

He has been phenomenal.

With the hours the Mr. and I work,

We were not in the position to drive to the bank and sign all the papers,

so we scanned and e-mailed everything back and forth.

With my job it's hard for me to be on the phone during work,

I have too much going on that makes it difficult to multi-task with a phone call.

He understood that,

and we e-mailed as much as possible, unless it was necessary for him to get me on the phone.

Then He e-mailed me and asked me to call when I get a free minute.

I never felt like a nuisance,

I never felt like I was bothering him,

I never felt like He didn't have time for us.

He made us feel like we were a priority to him,

and that He was delighted to help us.

 

On the other hand.....

 

When we were trying to get a different kind of loan, with a different lender, for the fixer-upper I mentioned,

I did not have a good experience.

The lender was  extremely short and border line rude with both the Mr. & I.

I was very quick in getting our application and any paperwork to him,

Time was of the essence.

And he was VERY slow in processing it.

I would leave a voicemail,

He wouldn't return my call.

I would e-mail,

He wouldn't respond.

It was Terrible.

We were not a priority to him.

He made us feel like a nuisance.

He made it known he didn't have time for us.

Maybe He was stressed out,

Maybe He was having a bad week.

He literally asked me,

"can you afford this house"?

(The house was 15% of what we had already been approved for, and 30% of the house that we are buying, just to show you how belittling he was to us.)

I don't know what his deal was.

But it was NOT ok.
We didn't end up pursuing the house that we needed the loan for,
But the whole process was SO frustrating!
It made me super thankful to go back to dealing with our Mortgage Lender!

 

5. Don't Settle

If you don't really like the house.

Don't you DARE settle.

This isn't buying a shirt that's on sale that you are just whatever about.

This is a HOUSE.

This is a HUGE investment.

You will probably be paying for this house for the next 30 years.

There are more houses.

This one isn't the last one.

Keep Looking.

 

6. Have Vision

While you shouldn't settle,

You need to have vision.

You need to see what the house will look like with YOUR touches.

Especially if it is currently being lived it!

Especially if you are buying a fixer-upper!

If you don't have vision,

Take someone with you who does!

 

The next few weeks are going to be slightly crazy in the N household!  On top of working 50+ hours a week, we are now packing, moving, unpacking & settling a house.

For the first time in my life I am excited about decorating a house!

Hopefully I'll be able to get some pictures up as we progress!